Before we talk about what to say, we should ask, why communicate during sex? There are really four reasons. First, talking about what you’re doing is a good way to keep your mind on what you’re doing. The biggest cause of decreased sexual appetite (whether male or female libido) is mental distraction.

Portrait of kissing attractive couple We all have a tendency to think about work, or the shopping list, or some errand we need to run. Talking really keeps you in the moment. The second reason is because talking adds to the amount of sensation and increases sexual pleasure. In the 17 years I’ve been doing this, when people communicate, they report that sensation increases for both the talker and listener. The third reason to talk is because talking promotes learning for

each person. You both get educated, and educate the other person about what feels good and what doesn’t. It really is a way to uncover men and women’s secrets, and is how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Finally the fourth and probably most important reason is that talking is pleasurable. People often have difficulty with talking in the beginning, they say it takes them out of the moment or they get hung up on what to say, so it does take some learning, but it’s worth it for all of the previous reasons, and especially because it’s pleasurable to do.

There are three things you can talk about. The first is, talk about what you’re noticing, how things look or feel or smell. The second thing to talk about is how much you’re enjoying the experience. This really feels good for you and the other person, and juices the whole situation up. Finally, you can talk positively about the person or circumstance. You can talk about how well the other person is doing, how romantic the space is that was setup, that you’re glad you set aside the time to do this, etc.

I remember, before I started researching sensuality, women had always felt sort of distant to me, even while we were making love. Certainly there would be moments of connection, but there was generally a distance and mystery about the other person and what was going on, and it always put me in my head. Then, I remember a moment 20 years ago, I was touching a woman, and she said to me, “That’s the spot!” And I could actually feel on my finger how good that spot felt, and all of a sudden I realized that we were both feeling the same thing. In that moment I learned how the most sensitive spot on a woman’s clitoris feels. It really was her communication that allowed me to feel that and learn that.

I’ll wrap up by giving some specific things you could say:

  1. “Would you….?” (Would you go a little slower, would you lighten the pressure, would you move to the left, etc).
  2. “Thank you!” It’s important to complete the cycle of communication. If you ask for something, and the person responds, even if they didn’t get it totally right, complete the cycle, say thank you, and that way you can move cleanly on to the next communication.
  3. “That feels great!” Approval is very important. And don’t be afraid to use the same compliment over and over again. What’s important is that you authentically approve of what is going on.
  4. If you’re the DOer: “Your (clitoris, cock, skin, etc) feels (silky, engorged, etc)” A specific approval works very well. Detail can really be exquisite. You could also describe how something looks or smells, etc.
  5. If you’re the DOee: “Your (finger, hand…) feels (electric, like it’s pulling the pleasure out of me, etc)”

The bottom line really is, say things that make the other person feel good. Say things that are pleasurable. It really is that simple. And, you’ll notice that those are the things that have you feel good too.

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